it would be nice if instead of getting his back up, getting angry and frustrated, he could just hug me. instead of demanding explanations for feeling the way i do, and walking away when i cannot provide them, he stayed.
everyone wants an answer, a reason, an explanation…not knowing never seems to be enough of one.
“For me, the most ironic token of that moment in history is the plaque signed by President Richard M. Nixon that Apollo 11 took to the Moon. It reads: ‘We came in peace for all mankind.’ As the United States was dropping 7.5 megatons of conventional explosives on small nations in Southeast Asia, we congratulated ourselves on our humanity: We would harm no one on a lifeless rock.”—Carl Sagan (via gordonramsayislord)
“You know how boys complain about being “friendzoned”? Well we experience this totally legit thing called being fuckzoned. It’s when boys want to have sex with you but they never seem all that interested in getting to know you”—Unknown (via ckgarden)
trying to recall over ten years of psychiatric history, including specific medications, dosages, timelines and diagnoses…..i felt shittier and shittier as i continued with my history. i felt like she must be thinking “what the fuck is this woman doing having a child, with a mental illness history like this?!”. i felt embarrassed.
“White wealth is stolen wealth. White wealth is based on the use of the free labor of our great grandparents, and the parents before them; just completely stolen. Captive wealth, brutalized wealth, enslaved wealth. And somehow we still think they are deserving of the money. Amazing attitude. This wealth is based on the colonization of African countries. The industrial revolution of Europe based upon the molasses of Jamaica, based upon the sugar crops of Jamaica. The wealth of the white South Africans and Europeans today based upon the gold, diamond, oil, and minerals taken right out of the African country, and yet we have nerve enough to think that these people are deserving of that wealth. And we have nerve enough to think that we are undeserving and that it should not belong to us.”—Dr. Amos N. Wilson (via disciplesofmalcolm)
I hate when the media makes The Hunger Games look like a battle for love. Get your bullshit fantasies away. This is about murder, over powered government, and a girl trying to change the way things are. News flash not every girls fantasy is to find true love.
the irony here is that our media is doing exactly what the Capitol did in the books; downplaying the murder, focusing on the bullshit love story
Yep. It is has become a circus. The merch is just disgusting- WAY TO MISS THE POINT EVERYONE!
shooting myself in the foot by being so involved with only one board- a catholic board at that.
i am not a practicing catholic. i am not religious. i do not believe in god and i do not agree with organized religion.
i feel like a hypocrite, working in places where i silently watch children recite words they don’t understand, declaring their devotion without knowing what any of it means. i feel like i am contributing to the power of religious institutions.
it feels counter intuitive. i am a philosopher. i am all about critical thinking. question everything, including what you were raised to believe. never take anything at face value. always seek the truth. religious schools hinder that process….
i remind myself that the point of me working in a place like a catholic school is to engage students, to encourage students to think critically. that doesn’t mean try and turn them against religion, it means getting them to understand what it is they say they believe, before they devote their lives to it. look at it from more than the perspective they were raised to see it from.
the point is to bring safe tblgay communities to these schools. to expand sex education to include everything in addition to abstinence. discuss contraceptives. discuss the body. discuss sexuality.
the point is to infiltrate from the inside to empower students to think differently, think independently. question what the media tells you. question what your parents preach. question your teachers. question your priest. question the government. question everything. come to your own conclusions after getting informed.
i’ve been told on numerous occasions, by many people, that i belong teaching in alternative schools. i agree wholeheartedly that i would fit in, in alternative school communities. no doubt about it. but the entire platform of alternative schools offers the aforementioned, simply by being an alternative school. it is for those students who have come to a lot of important realizations about who they are and what they need to succeed in this world.
i keep reminding myself that those kids will be okay. it’s the ones who are pressured by their families to attend catholic schools, then indoctrinated by their church and their teachers to believe a,b, and c without room for z…..the ones that are so bumbarded with people telling them what they ought to think and believe that they can’t get a minute to stop and think about what they actually want or need or think or feel….those are the ones who need me. those are the ones who will benefit from a teacher like me in their school. a teacher who will not be afraid to say, it’s okay to question what you’ve been told your whole life. it’s okay to doubt god’s existence. it’s okay to read atheist material and relate to it. it’s okay to consider yourself more of a buddhist. it’s okay to be a male and have feelings for another male. it’s okay to have protected sex and feel enjoyment instead of guilt. it’s okay to want to know how to protect yourself from stds. it’s okay to want to experiment with your sexuality. it’s okay. IT IS OKAY.
i just gotta keep reminding myself that it’s not about my comfort level within an institution such as a catholic school….it’s about my professional goals as an educator.
“To embrace a “thing” or a “person” in their essence means to love them, to favour them. Thought in a more original way such favouring means the bestowal of their essence as a gift. Such favouring is the proper essence of enabling, which not only can achieve this or that but also can let something essentially unfold in its provenance, that is, let it be.”—Martin Heidegger - Letter on Humanism (via fuckyeahexistentialism)
yesterday, full of tears and multiple anxiety attacks, it finally came to an end. i submitted as many documents as i had and will return next week to submit the rest of brad’s. they finally found the file.
i need to get this anxiety under control. i know that. i know it is not good for me or for baby. i have been aware of that from day one. having brad and my mother constantly remind me of that does not help. it contributes to the overwhelming amount of shame i feel about being anxious and going through a depressive phase to begin with.
my mom just doesn’t seem to get how depression and anxiety work, despite having anxiety and going through a difficult time right now, herself. because she is extroverted and gathers her inspiration/energy, etc. from those she surrounds herself with, and i am the opposite, her ways of coping vary incredibly from mine.
i know her intentions are always good, but the whole “just think positive”, “you’ve got to stop this”, “there are worse things in life” schpeal that she constantly spouts is not ever helpful. not ever. the worst is when her and my dad talk about how i was right before teachers college….right after spending a year going to CAMH three times a week, every week, for DBT therapy, following my three month in-treatment program. yes, i was doing so much better. i had an incredible support system, i was working on my skills daily, talking with people who understood me, and sorting out my issues. unfortunately, after those things, i was left without support- without a psychiatrist- without anything. that was one of the biggest criticisms of the CAMH program. even the therapists themselves admitted that. i was also accomplishing my life goals. that was a really wonderful time. being reminded of how well i coped and the fact that i am not doing well right now, again, contributes to the shame i already feel. the shame i worked so hard to reduce.
i feel like after teachers college, that shame crept back.no interview- because you’re not good enough! no teaching jobs- because you’re not outgoing enough to market yourself! working for minimum wage- you failed! no financial security- failure! having to borrow money from my parents and grandparents to survive- how could you!? look at what an embarrassment you are!! sinking back into depression- of course you would. let everyone down, again!
thankfully, i finally received a phonecall this morning with my psychiatrist appointment for dec. 2. my OB put in a referral at my first visit. she is a psych who specifically deals with women who struggle with mental health issues during pregnancy and post pregnancy. i am hopeful that having someone to finally talk to will really help.
i was up this morning at 4am trying to get through a horrible panic attack over how we are going to manage to pay december and january rent.
i’ve been on the phone with odsp all morning and it has been an exhausting shuffle back and forth between case workers and intake secretaries, i am emotionally drained. i’ve told my story over and over today and each time i end up bawling because i am so embarrassed.
my file was lost, then in processing, then terminated….no one knows what is even going on. they asked me to come down and try and figure things out, but i need all these documents and while i can easily obtain mine, brad’s are another story. i have been hounding him for the past few months to get this information so i didn’t have to panic like i am now, when we needed it.
i am just overwhelmed and unequipped to take this on right now.
i am trying so hard not to worry over my specialist test this week but this added stress is really doing me in.