We die to each other daily. What we know of other people is only our memory of the moments during which we knew them. And they have changed since then. To pretend that they and we are the same is a useful and convenient social convention which must sometimes be broken. We must also remember that at every meeting we are meeting a stranger.
I am not sure that I exist, actually. I am all the writers that I have read, all the people that I have met, all the women that I have loved; all the cities that I have visited, all my ancestors.
say anything that will cause brad to compare himself to other men.
rarely do i find men attractive, to be quite honest with you. before brad, i began sincerely believing i was just not interested in men.
however, when i do find a male attractive, say on tv or something, i don’t comment on it to brad or say “i like his…whatever, hair….or the way he dresses, etc”. i don’t do that with women either, although sometimes i will comment that i think a particular woman is really attractive.
i don’t do that because the last thing i want to do is cause brad to feel like he doesn’t measure up to my standards. i love tattoos. i find them to be incredibly attractive. however, i know that despite wanting more tattoos, brad is not in a position to afford them, so i don’t say anything about that. why say something that i know will make him feel bad, yknow?
now here’s the kicker….brad is very vocal about what he likes and doesn’t like….to the point where it really starts to make me feel incredibly self conscious. he won’t say he thinks a particular woman is attractive, instead he’ll say things like,
"i like her glasses, you should get glasses" (an ongoing ridiculous back and forth we do. i tell him i don’t need glasses and he says he wishes i did and i ask how he could wish something like that for someone….etc. etc.)
"i like her shoes. you should wear heels" (another ongoing ridiculous back and forth. i have plantar fasciitis. i have ridiculously high arches and half the time i have to bandage my heels and arches if i am standing for too long, and can barely walk without a lot of pain. i wish i could wear heels. i do. but i just can’t)
"i like her hair. you should learn how to do that to yours" (referring mainly to pinup style hair. i have a really hard time with this one because ever since getting my dreads removed, i have not felt comfortable with my hair in the slightest. i am very self-conscious about that to begin with. i am just not good at styling my own hair and it is something that i am painfully aware of)
"i like her dress. you should get something like that" (usually referring to those hot topic style, cutesy, pin up style dresses that cost a ridiculous amount of money for poor quality design. i am nowhere near being in a position where i can afford to buy "nice" clothing, never mind splurge on cutesy dresses. i wish i was, but i am not and haven’t been for years. i make do with what i have and what i can afford. it bothers me because he has looked at price tags with me, knows the income required to dress that way and knows that it is beyond our means. it really makes me feel shitty.)
"i like her tattoos". (another comment that grates on me, because i am hungry for tattoos. i have been for years now, since my dali. when i lived at home, had no bills and a disposable income- yeah, sure i forked out money on tats. i can’t afford that luxury right now and he knows it more than anyone. yes, i would love to get a half-sleeve done. i would love to have my back finished. yes. i get very jealous of women i see who have beautiful tattoos, because i want more. when he says that i feel really aware of my lack of disposable income and the tremendous amount of debt and bills we do have)
and like…he does this all the time. we were watching 30 rock the other day and during every.single.episode, at least 3 or 4 times he made a comment about liking tina fey’s boots, or her sweater, or her dress, or her glasses….like fuck. ok. wonderful. yes. she also plays a single head writer and tv show creator who makes a hefty salary and can afford really nice clothing.
i don’t know if i’m being more sensitive because i am more aware of my expanding body and feel self-conscious about it….or if it is just starting to get really old now, but i am growing tired of it. it really makes me feel bad about myself and inspect myself more than i already do. analyse and criticize everything about myself even more…..